What about swear words?

What’s the big deal with using swear words? They only hold meaning because we place meaning on them. Their value next to any other word is nothing more than the framing we give them, right? So, are they even a big deal? They are a big deal in as much as they are tools of communication, useful for transmitting information from one person to the next. And communication is shaped in relationships. So whether I find the word “f**k” to be amusing or inappropriate is irrelevant. When I am communicating through words to someone else, it is their understanding of the word that matters. If the purpose of my communication is, in fact, shared information, then the value the other person places on my words is what dictates their meaning. If the listener had a father that would use profanity when he was drunk and abusive, that association will be a part of their hearing of profanity, regardless of the speaker’s intent. Because there is a cultural use of profanity to show disrespect, there is a negativity attached to it that we are not able to control.

So should we use profanity when we disagree with someone?

These stronger words can communicate our stronger feelings, so one might think we should utilize profanity to communicate where we’re coming from. But, if the goal of communication is to be heard and understood, then we might want to rethink utilizing profanity. Let me first clarify what I mean by profanity. Profanity is offensive, or aggressive, or taboo words that often relate to body parts, bodily functions, sex or religion. Research shows profanity is most used in self-defense, to express a person's reactions. It carries with it more emotional strength. Profanity has been shown to activate the amygdala and basal ganglia, rather than the higher order processing structures of the brain.

No, profanity is not useful in conflict.

If we choose to express ourself with profanity in conflict, we will be communicating our heightened emotions. But, if we are hoping to be understood by the listener, profanity acts more as a barrier than a bridge. It will increase the emotions of both speaker and listener, and trigger more of the fight/flight/freeze responses to conflict than the more hoped for positive outcome of resolution.

Next time you want to bite your mates head off, 'cause these things happen, take a deep breath and put those bad words back in your pocket. Your mate needs to be calm to work through disagreements, and profanity is not going to get you where you want to go in your relationship.