What's the goal of marriage?

What is my goal in marriage?

How many of us ask this when we walk down the aisle?

My guess is, very few of us.

Though we already know it, don’t we? We intuit it.

To have and to hold, for better or for worse, until death do us part.

We don’t say,

To have and to hold, for better or for well???? until unhappiness do us part.

We assume marriage will be love ever after - maybe not happily ever after, because we are realistic enough to know that sometimes life is going to suck and it won’t always be happy.

But love ever after was the presumption, because when life sucks, in the midst of our “for worse” we will still have the love of our mate to support us.

Oh the harsh blow when those sucky times turn out to be because of our mate. The "for better" was the old you two, and the "for worse" is the current you two.

How did we get so far off course you ask yourself? According to Gottman research a couple seeks counseling 7 years after they realize there is a problem. That, my friend, is a long time to walk around with a broken leg. That’s a lot of compounded injuries. Now your opposite hip is hurting from that messed up gate you’ve been using. And you haven’t been able to run in awhile because your leg is broken, so you’ve gained weight and you feel bad about yourself. Oh, man, and now you’ve got diabetes from the extra weight. Oh dear, now it looks like you’re going to lose some toes from the diabetes. And oh, the medical costs of divorce are crippling.

“Someone ought to take a look at that,” you say to your 7 years ago self, "You may need a doctor."

We live in an awesome age when marriage doesn’t have to be about a contract to manage life anymore. We can actually manage on our own. Marriage is about love now. Yay! But, oh fart, we stink at it. First marriages have a 50% failure rate. Second marriages a 65% failure rate. Third marriages a 75% failure rate - and that’s not including those unhappily married couples.

The reality is we have little knowledge on how to "do marriage" and we're not that good at it. Some folks naturally get it right, which is awesome. But, most of us could use some pointers, if not serious intervention.

The goal for your marriage is to be good enough for you to grow in love for one another each year.

When roadblocks to that love growth occur - we gotta knock ‘em down. And if you can’t knock them down on your own, find someone to help you in the process. Check out John and Julie Gottman’s new book Eight Dates, and if you need a little more help after reading that with your spouse - find a marriage coach, like me! There ain’t no shame in that game.

That’s marriage folks - and a marriage that is “good enough” to keep growing is absolutely great.